You've already identified the biggest problem, your title. Add being new and no pub and you had a lot of struggles to overcome.

The title absolutely has to compel someone to click. It doesn't matter what the content is without it.

Your story could do with a little editing as well. For example, you misspell Shakespeare in your subtitle. Try using Grammarly for all your stories. The free version is fine. You don't have to agree with it on everything but it will catch a lot of small errors.

I'd also avoid footnotes. It isn't a common thing on Medium and particularly in a lighthearted piece like this. Either work the material into the story or leave it out entirely.

When I see footnotes I feel guilty for not reading them. I get vaguely anxious about what I might be missing but I don't want to break the flow of the story to go check. Once I get to the end the footnotes are out of context so to understand I need to look back into the story. But I don't want to do that much work. Still I feel guilty about it and reading that makes me feel guilty is reading I will avoid or click away from quickly.

I really enjoyed the story itself. I think you have a great concept and could rework this one into a new story with a compelling title.